The Fear of Relapse

A constant fear I experience is that after any type of improvement is that regardless of it I will fall back. After escaping the dark part of your mind there’s this fear that it will once again try to consume you.

When that does happen it is called relapse. The exact definition is the deterioration in someone’s state of health after a temporary improvement.

That is exactly what I am going through right now. I can guess that the source for this descend could be influenced by the start of this semester at college and the stresses that come with it, or maybe I was never well. Did I even improve or was I just in some sort of high?

This is my fear, I did not improve. I just prolonged the unavoidable.

Right now so many thoughts are rushing through my head.

Hurt yourself. Scream. Cry. You are a disappointment. Runaway. Ditch class. Hurt yourself. Cry. You are useless. Leave a scar. Pull out your hair. You are pathetic. Kill yourself.

It is giving me a headache that the only thing I have the energy to do is lie down and fall asleep. At times that is the only way to get the thoughts to stop, at least for a little while.

But the cruel thing is that even when I wake up that desire to die is still there.

This is my reality, my battle, and my fear.

Thank you for reading.

Hopefully, there will be next time.

Until then.

 

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Don’t Judge a Book by Its Cover

“Don’t judge a book by its cover” is a metaphorical phrase that means one should not be prejudice towards someone by their outward appearance.

It is a lesson that was taught to us at a young age and it is one of the main morals in many forms of media. Nevertheless, we still judge other people without really knowing them. It is our nature to do so but hopefully, we strive to make an effort to avoid it.

Now allow me to paint this picture, it was the second day of classes after winter break and I was already attempting to physically present the gender identity I felt inside. That day I felt more masculine so I dressed accordingly. Now the clothes I picked where comfortable; black jeans, black converse, a black shirt, and a red flannel with black sleeves.

Some of you probably have some idea or know what other people were thinking about my appearance because you just made a judgement about the description I gave you.

I can’ fault you because I too would have judged.

So I went about my day, not caring because I was comfortable. But sometime I would mentally laugh at some people who would step out of my way, a little scared of my appearance. Now I am not a threatening person, I can assure you of that. I am only 5’3″ and I look like a junior in high school than a junior in college, so I have never experienced someone trying to get out my way until that day.

Even in other days that I dress more masculine, I tend to keep lighter colors but that day it was cold so yeah I dressed like someone who had Hot Topic throw up on them. But hey I was warm and most importantly I would not get sick!

What made that day more interesting was my last class, a 7:30 pm psychology class. I was one of the last ones to enter the class so everybody did the weird thing where they look at the one person who just entered. I could already see some people making their judgments. I took a seat and the class started; my professor did the thing where we have to introduce ourselves to the class; name, major, and three facts that you could not tell by our appearance.

My turn came and well my voice can be considered soft compared to others of my sex. So when I spoke, I saw people’s expression shift to ones of confusion. When it came to my “interesting facts” I bet some people were assuming what I would say, as someone who looks like they regularly shop at Hot Topic, listens to the hardest of rock music,  who does not take their education seriously or something like that and probably has an attitude problem.

“I listen to classical music, I like to read, and I do volunteer work during the breaks.”

Those where my “interesting facts.” I saw a guy widen his eyes and girl who did a double take. It was quite funny, internally I was laughing.

But I was slightly disappointed how as college students we consider ourselves to be openminded and not quick to judge when the reality is that, that is not really the case.

Let’s not deny the fact that we judge but understand the error of that mentality.

Let’s not judge a book by its cover.

Thank you for reading!

Until next time.

The Importance of a Name

Hello there!

Some people do not realize how much your name becomes a part of your identity until you try to imagine yourself with a different name. It makes you wonder if your name fits your current identity.

For me, it does not.

My identity is something complicated that I have yet to understand and given the fact that I am a 20-year-old student in their third year of college; I am already confused about a lot of things.

However, I know what I like.

I know what I want.

But I just do not know who I am.

There are days I lean more to a certain gender identity, making me feel disgusted with my original body and other times I feel right. Confusing right?

Now adding the pressures of a college student who left home to avoid problems only to land into a similar situation and realizing the issues I had, had names.

Depression. Anxiety. PTSD.

All of this probably paints a troubling picture of me but I strive to not let those things completely define. However, sometimes I need to remind myself about that.

Which is why I created this blog, a reminder I am more than just my mental illness and my gender identity.

I am someone who likes to help others, watch anime, listen to k-pop, alternative rock, eat chocolate covered raisins with their popcorn.

Despite everything, I am just person with dreams and hopes; trying to make my way through this confusing, messy life.

Thank you for reading!

Until next time.